Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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