so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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