I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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