I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
