Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
