the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
