Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
