I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
