dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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