Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
