my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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