There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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