I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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