i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
