just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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