He disabled his match.com account in front of me
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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