Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
