I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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