he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude i'm inner monologue high
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
