I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
