Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
