Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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