see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
