I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
