That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
