I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
