I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
