worst night to have a conscience
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
