i just sent this text using only my big toe
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize