Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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