Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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