apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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