I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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