life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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