you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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