He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
MIDGETS
????
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
