Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
