I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
