Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
