We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
