i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
