Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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