I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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