if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
