So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
