Will you blow on my dice?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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