I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
