it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
