Define "chronic" masturbator.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
