my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
