my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
